How to maintain your humanity as a 'jaded' PhD student
An open letter to academia
The PhD experience, advertised as a way to contribute to knowledge, whether minute or grand, yet is flavored by uneven power dynamics and fueled by arguably sensitive egos. Through it all, such experiences are shrouded as badges of honour, badges you should have expected, that you should wear with pride, regardless of how brutally their pins bury themselves in your chest. A rite of passage through trial by fire where mental health and wellbeing are shattered. An open secret where peer groups share common incidents, some that are merciful enough to stay within the confines of labs and offices, eagerly awaiting your return on Monday (*insert Sunday scaries*), while others, are much more brutal beasts that bleed onto your personal life, stains that dig underneath fingernails, that no soap seems strong enough to clean.
But you see there is a trick to survival, unspoken yet never forgotten, like a broken window you can just about crank open if you push it to the left, hold it with your foot and jab an old shoebox under. One that is rickety and creaks as though it will collapse but as long as you are quick enough with that shoebox - and manage not to get your fingers stuck- you should be fine.
To struggle in such environments is marketed as an anomaly, despite peer groups across disciplines, countries, sharing these so called “uncommon” experiences, like the dry bread at that after conference dinner.
Others did however manage to get that window open, although there was the one guy who did leave with 9 fingers afterwards but that of course was just because he forgot the shoebox and not at all because windows should not require shoeboxes (?).
As though it is a misfortune quietly acknowledged yet not quite horrid enough to warrant reexamination of the systems that create them, that foster them, allowing them to fester, as one semester becomes the next, and the next, and the next and the next and ………………..
But this all sounds too abstract, right? too intangible to matter? who really suffers anyway?
What is the cost of that rickety window with the shoebox and the creaky hinges?
Let’s contextualise.
One time or another you or another PhD student you know may have encountered the ‘jaded’ phase of doing a PhD. An era marked either by significant imposter syndrome or feeling as though the walls were closing in without any way forward (or even sideways), walls so close together your arms remain at your side.
The cause of this identify shift are plentiful, some may be issues in personal life, limited (and illusive) funding, or unexpected departmental conflicts that somehow you manage to be in the middle of.
Whatever it is, it may seem like an identify that is inherent for the PhD student experience, you might even be told as such. That the suffering, mental, emotional or otherwise are innate to the PhD experience and therefore should be embraced, it comes with the territory after all. I mean sure, everyone knows about the rickety window, it just hasn’t been fixed yet.
But is it at all possible that the broader systems at play are so attached to this idea and vision of the PhD experience/student that there is a continued lack of distinct efforts to actually materialise credible changes that would improve the PhD experience? is it at all possible that academics who have indeed experienced such hardship during their own early research days have resolved to dole out similar experiences to others when opportune?
The “I had to pry that window open with everything but my teeth but I got it open anyway so you’ll manage” mentality.
And while we acknowledge that research itself has its own challenges, unexpected drawbacks, to suffer as a whole, is not innate to the PhD experience. Others make it so. From that email that brazenly tells you that you do not matter by comparison to senior colleagues, to rightfully earned resources being redistributed without notice. These little moments, especially where they accumulate create this false narrative that in fact to suffer is what is to be expected from the academic experience, and where you do not appear to suffer (not enough) you must be leading an inauthentic PhD journey, an inauthentic researcher’s journey.
“Why did you need the window open again?”
And so from there it begs the question, why as a collective (academia) do we appear to be so attached to that one manifestation of the PhD journey, so much so that we label those who seem to having a relatively ‘alright time’ (whatever that means) as dishonest? rather than directing those efforts to the very systems that institutionally curate the negative experiences through reckless action or inaction. Across institutions, across countries?
I fear academia as a whole has quite misdirected its efforts. Toxic environments swaddled between infrequent coffee days, “free” departmental lunches paid in kind through tensive conversations, unequal workloads, unrealistic expectations, unpaid (or minimally so) labour.
“Actually, I don’t think you need a window”
PhD “support” systems are failing, if they ever existed at all? a system where supervisory meetings can become deeply sorrowful affairs, anxiety attacks cradle already scarce breathing.
“You don’t need a window, just use the fan instead”
So when faced with such a “research” environment, how do you then embark on your PhD with your humanity in tact? what do you do when you’ve been told to just use the dusty fan with, with 2 blades and property of Luc- faintly inscribed?
Boundaries
and
Tenacity
The PhD environment remains indifferent to most areas of life, you will meet different characters and your level of tolerance will be tested, whether early on or later. This much is certain. And for this you must be prepared.
Boundaries: What are soft-points, non-negotiables and how do you communicate them?
Example: You have a disability for which your current supervisory meeting format does not account for, communicate this with your supervisors, including your departmental/institutional support lead for student’s with disabilities, communicate your needs (as you are comfortable) and what them implemented may look like etc.
Setting boundaries however, does guarantee they will automatically be respected and that is why you need
Tenacity: Being respectful yet FIRM about needs and pre-established boundaries.
Example: Subsequent supervisory meetings have not acknowledged your disability needs. You write a follow up email, detailing briefly the previous discussions and its main points/agreements, you follow with the impact of said agreements not being in place, whether personally, academically or a combination and reiterate these points, open the floor to opportunities to seek clarity should questions need to be asked. However, your main point, your main boundary, remains unmoved.
In this example, rather than simply accepting that which would pose a significant health concern or discomfort for you, you press on to ensure you receive the support you need. Providing clarity where needed to ensure your support is adequate for you.
Unreasonable pushback (or flagrant ignorance) does not signify that you need to move your boundary, it simply means its an opportunity to re-communicate it with the tenacity needed for it to be respected.
While these two skills may not guarantee a completely hassle free PhD experience, they will go a long way in creating an accessible well-being toolkit as you navigate your journey.
This is half of the picture however, because as much as we encourage PhD students to speak up, to advocate for themselves, institutions need comprehensive training and empathy to - within the best of their own abilities - avoid needless suffering amongst those who they are meant to guide. Some failings or points of discomfort need to be communicated by the student/researcher sure, but supervisors, academia as a whole must be receptive and provide an environment where these concerns are actually heard and not just engaging in performative listening.
And other things are simply a matter of being human, BEFORE being a “supervisor” “line-manager” etc. you are human, we are human, and to be honest, I am unconvinced that they are mutually exclusive. A human BE-ING, is something you carry with you, the one thing you cannot shed, regardless of your role. A PhD student “under” your guidance therefore should not be an opportunity to shirk that fundamental state but rather a chance to embrace humanity - yours, and theirs.
And, please for all that is good in the world (even when there doesn’t seem to be much)
Fix the damn window!
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